"Boys Night" Identity

Identity… We all have one yet they all vary and range from one end of the spectrum to another. How we manage our identity is another concept that we may be unaware of. Identity management varies by situation and from person to person. In the episode “Boys Night” Jay (the dad) is making attempts at avoiding joining his wife for a play and decided to go meet with his son, Mitchell along with his son in law, Cam and their other outwardly gay friends. It is apparent that this unexpected showing of his father at the establishment that they were at makes Mitchell uncomfortable. He doesn’t want his dad to be ‘put off’ by the flamboyancy, taking place at the table. It becomes noticeable the change in Mitchell’s demeanor from outwardly talkative about his love for certain female singers and show tunes to detouring conversations that seem to ensue any “gay” connotations delivered by his friends. This monitoring that Mitchell is doing is an example of identity management. The reason for the change in his mannerisms and conversation style is because of his approval seeking from his father. Identity management is a way of creating a desired impression on those of whom you wish to gain approval from.

Think back to a job interview you had, a meeting with a significant others parents, or impressing your already meticulous boss. How did you present yourself? Not only does identity monitoring relate to professional relationships but intimate relationships as well. After we are established in relationships, we simply do not try as hard to make these impressions as well.

So why would Mitchell care considering it is his father? Well, Mitchell is a high self-monitor. This means that he is able to pay attention to their own behavior in regards to others reactions. Mitchell has been able to adjust his way of communicating based off of the way he sees his father reacting to particular ways in which he speaks or interacts. Mitchell sees that his dad tends to wince at outwardly flamboyant communication styles so he changes it for what could be considered stereotypical straight mannerisms. Often times high self monitors will rate themselves lower on a satisfaction scale with intimate relationships due to the fact that they tend to hide what they really think and feel in favor of acceptance from others.

In my personal life, my Mom always called me a chameleon. Having a concise and clear understanding of what being a high self-monitor is allowed me to understand what she had been telling me my entire life. I tend to gauge the situation, temperature of the room, the audience I am addressing, and the way they conduct themselves and from there adjust my communication style to coincide more with theirs.  Now, lets be clear. Yeah… I might be a bit of what would be understood as a “people pleaser” but that in no way makes me a pushover. I do have very strong convictions that are not going to change, no matter how much I want someone else’s approval. In a job search will I know and adhere to the culture of the company? You ‘betcha! Call me a “butt kiss”? Sure! Who cares, I got the job didn’t I? J

Any way – lets get into a little quiz… Want to know where you fall on the scale? Take this little quiz curtsey of “Looking Out Looking In” by Ronald B. Adler.

“Self-Monitoring Inventory” (True or False)

1)    I find it hard to imitate the behavior of other people.  T F

2)    I guess I put on a show to impress or entertain people.  T F

3)    I would probably make a good actor. T F

4)    I sometimes appear to others to be experiencing deeper emotions than I actually am. T F

5)    In a group of people, I am rarely the center of attention. T F

6)    In different situations with different people, I often act like very different persons. T F

7)    I can argue only for ideas I already believe in. T F

8)    In order to get along and be likes, I tend to be what people expect me to be rather than anything else. T F

9)    I may deceive people by being friendly when I really dislike them. T F

10)  I’m not always the person I appear to be. T F

Now, give yourself a point if you answered F for one or all of questions 1,5,7. Then give yourself a point for the remaining questions that you marked T for.

A score of 7 or above puts you at a high self-monitor.

Being self aware of how you communicate among others is a very useful tool. It not only allows for excellent self reflection but also makes it easier to make adjustments for future benefit.