"Slap the Chicken!" Relational Transgression/Maintenance

Slap the Chicken

In this episode of Modern Family we get to see the what happens when a partner in an intimate relationship  violates a an important custom for the other partner. Gloria, who is Colombian has certain beliefs which we see in this clip. Jay angers Gloria in his disregard for her deceased mother and their customs regarding the dead. Gloria's solution is to screw with Jay and have him do some ridiculous "traditional" Colombian customs while preparing the chicken. When Jay violates these customs he demonstrates this idea of "relational transgression" which states that one person in the relationship violates implicate terms of the relationship letting the other person in the relationship down. Now, since Gloria is a spitfire, she doesn't let herself end up just sad about the situation with Jay and his lack of understanding. She makes him aware of the importance, and then gets even. Now, to understand the relational maintenance in this duo, you must have some understanding of their relational dynamic. So watch the show is what I'm saying. Gloria's getting back at Jay evens the playing field, it is the relational maintenance. This "maintenance"concept means that there is communication aimed at making the relationship run smooth and keep it satisfactory. So even though the way that Gloria goes about this would be more like getting back at Jay and building resentments, in their relationship it is maintaining satisfaction while clearing any grudges and moving forward, happily.

Personally, I say bring on this kind of relational maintenance! If I or my partner can get in a little chuckle while keeping the satisfaction level high, then by all means, make me slap a chicken and scream.

Note: the following is purely opinion and in no where do I have factual documentation that this is true. Only my egocentrism (vocab from previous blog, eh eh!) kicking in where I am always right. So any who, I think that if you can keep satisfaction with laughter and a little sarcasm, then by all means, have fun with it a little. Life is too short to always have a hot poker up your butt about every small thing. And sometimes even the things that are nearest and dearest to your heart need a little laughter to make a situation more bearable and relational.

"Phil Helps Jay with Printer" Problem Orientation

Phil Helps Jay with Printer

In this episode Phil receives a call from his father in law, Jay about not being able to get his printer to work. Phil jumps at this opportunity to finally be able to give him help instead of receive it (as a way as asserting himself as capable of being man for his daughter) With the failure of Phil being able to successfully make the printer work while being so over confident in the situation, Jay loses interest and walks off. Now, what could have made this situation better? Problem Orientation. This concept is about using a supportive style of communication in which the two people communicating (in this case Phil and Jay) work in unison to solve the problem rather than pushing their own solutions on each other. This clip makes it evident to see that there was a lack of this, especially in light of Phil's cocky ways of presenting his solution. What was taking place in this situation could be described more as a "pillow method" of dealing with things. The pillow method is simple; it essentially states that one views an issue from an "I'm the right one, you're wrong" attitude. Phil and Jay both exhibit this. Can you see where? Phil's comes from his arrogance in the way he presents information, essentially communicating this air of superiority. Jay on the other hand exhibits this when he mocks Phil by repeating his song while changing the words. 

Now, thinking about this.... Do you tend to solve things with a problem orientation? Or are you more prone to egocentric ways of asserting your "correct view"? These are things you are most likely completely unaware of in the ways that you communicate. It is amazing how your perceived self (the person we believe ourselves to be which may be identical or differed to our actual self) can often be something you portray with absolutely no conscious awareness of it. 

Ironically, while in the midst of writing this blog my significant other offered me a way of solving a particular issue (in which he was correct) Shhh! He must NEVER know this. My response on the other hand went something like this... "Why would I do that? That would take more time than necessary and no I don't like taking that road. Too many lights". There might have been several other bantering points but regardless I was going to be right. Can you guess my communication style? Whoops.... :)

"Gloria Has Had Enough" Divergence

"Gloria has had enough"


In this clip it is quite obvious that Gloria, speaking another language, has its implications on her English, especially when using metaphors and the like. Divergence is the mannerisms of a language that emphasize the communicators differences from other parties. Divergence is also closely related to convergence. Convergence is when the person  (in this case Gloria)  tries to change her speech to adapt it to that of the speech of those around her.

From the clip, it is evident to see where they don't quite match up.

I have experienced something similar especially when dealing with people of different cultures. English contains many phrases and slang that would honestly not make sense unless you were raised in the culture. For instance, have you ever heard this "play it by ear" or heard it said "play it by year". I find the ones that kids tend to mess up, would be incredibly easy to do the same coming from a background with another language.

What other phrases can you think of that would need decoding?

"Slow Down Your Neighbors" Conflict

Slow Down Your Neighbors

In this episode of Modern Family Claire has discovered a rouge neighbor in their suburban neighborhood who is excessively speeding.  Claire's husband Phil happens to be listing the rouge neighbors house. What I want to examine is the conflict taking place and the different styles of conflict that are used to broach and handle the situation. 

There are five main styles of conflict to know. Competing (win/lose)"My way", Collaborating (win/win)"Our Way" , Avoiding (lose/lose) "No Way, Accommodating (lose/win) "Your Way" and Compromising (lose/lose) "Half Way".  (Interpersonal Conflict; 8th ed) 

How Claire is dealing with this conflict initially is competing. She has a high concern for self (family) and now concern for others (speeding neighbor). This can sometimes turn into a "crazymaker" or someone who is passive aggressive in the manor of handling  conflict. 

The conflict style model is something that you should consider. How do you handle conflict?

I think in close relationships especially you always hear about compromising. Why would you want to each give something up? I would encourage couples to look at collaborating. This method requires neither party to give up what is desired in the efforts to join together two different wants or needs. 

"Two Monkeys One Panda" Listening is Gendered? YES.

Phil At Salon

So we have discussed the idea of gender roles, but what about gendered communication as a whole? As in, men and women listen and respond differently. Are you buying this? For those of you who are, you are not being duped. This is correct, men and woman DO listen and respond to to others differently. Women typically give responses that are supportive when dealing with another persons problem. Women tend to have more tact in their way of composing responses and tend to seek the same kind of response from their listener. Ah yes, now the male counterpart... you my friends, typically lack the same tact while being the listener. Men usually lack the same emotional support when dealing with a distressed party.

Now, you might be thinking that this sounds like some BS, but its in my textbook... so FACT! Ha.. no but in all seriousness take a look at this clip from Modern Family and see if you have a "Uh Hu" moment.

After seeing that clip notice how Phil was initially responding to Claire on the phone... "Honey you could do his, or you could do this" yadda yadda yadda. Only after the women in the salon ragged on him was he trying to change his way of communicating with her. Now what was the women's response to Phil's constant attempts at trying to "fix" things for Claire (which if you noticed only aggravated her further)? To listen and provide support. "I'm stuck in horrible traffic" the wrong response is "leave earlier". The salon women encourage for him to console and offer support. This way Phil would be providing Claire with the support to solve her own problem.

So women, the next time you come home complaining about your day and how you had the kids, and work, and school, and laundry, cooking, and cleaning... remember.... you are going to receive advice more than likely. So if your looking for the compassionate ear, call a friend. Of course then be ready to hear about her bad day as well...

"Oasis for Men" Disagreeing Messages

"Oasis for Men?"

Above is a clip from the episode "Dance Dance Revelation". This clip depicts both "direct aggression" as well as "disagreeing messages". Direct aggression is a criticism or demand that is made that threatens the face of the person whom it is directed at. Disagreeing messages are messages that communicate that the other person is wrong in an aggressive manor.

Phil’s initial response is to be directly aggressive. He demonstrates this by grabbing the bottle from the worker. He also couples this with the disagreeing messages by emphasizing how he spritzed before saying men and since it was implied as a question. Even though the conflict that arises is short, it is packed with these confrontational styles of communicating.

So this may not be the best way to handle things in the even that you do not want to be taken into custody the way that Phil reacts in an over exaggerated way of depicting this concept of direct aggression and disagreeing messages.

Update: I was at the mall earlier this week and discovered a little scuffle taking place my the perfume counter that I admittedly, could not take my eyes off of and ended up the awkwardly placed onlooker. Allow me to set the scene… Tuesday afternoon, Macy’s perfume counter. What I would consider a mid-forties woman walks past another woman working the perfume department gets misted with the ‘Eau De Toilet” sent of some designer spritz. As the woman went to mist the little cardboard sheet she missed most of it and it ended up directly hitting the woman to her left. Next thing I hear is, “Are you fricken kidding me!?” “Great! Now I am gonna break out in hives!” As I try to divert my attention with no such luck the now itchy floral smelling woman grabs the cardboard sheet and shakes it at her while saying, “You spray THIS! Not me!” That was about the end of it besides the spritzer lady trying to make apologies though the other woman’s muttering of profanities. Evidently, this kind of communication is not just “made for T.V.” It happens!

Cam is Slightly "Mom-ier" Gender Roles

Cam is Slightly Mom-ier

The clip above is a perfect depiction of rhetoric, gender roles, and illustrators. Some of you might be wondering what the heck an illustrator or rhetoric is so let me divulge. First off Illustrators are nonverbal behaviors that accompany and support verbal messages. Rhetoric is a way of using language that is effective and persuasive.

In the clip from this episode that I am choosing to focus my attention about Cam being disgruntled about receiving flowers at his daughters school. This is because he is the “mom-ier” one out of the two of them as described by Mitchell (Cams partner). When a little boy accidentally throws a ball in their direction and he asks Cam to throw it back, Cam (while still be sensitive to being the mom comment) reacts by winding up and throwing the ball at full speed past the child, and into an elderly biker. Watching Cam exclaiming apologies and flailing down the hill towards the elderly man who is now on the ground from the hit by the ball follow this. Which does Mitchell yelling “hands” as Cam ran with sprit fingers also follow up.

Cams mannerisms when we hit the man with the football are an example of illustrators. His nonverbal are reiterating what Mitchell’s message is. Receiving flowers from the PTA at his daughter’s school is reinforcing gender roles in some ways. Not the stereotypical gender roles, because they are a homosexual couple but in keeping with traditional family dynamics, they place the “mom” role on the more feminine of the two males and imparting those designated female gender roles on Cam for his demeanor.

So, maybe it’s time for some self-evaluation? Do you adhere to ascribed gender roles?

Personally, I do ascribe to many imparted gender roles. I, as an Italian woman am typically expected to be domesticated. May this be cooking, cleaning, baking, the works all with a smile because I like it so much. (Yeah right) While I do like to cook for leisure I do not enjoy these things all the time. Regardless, these are things I will most likely adhere to my entire life. So, to my lovely significant other… you are welcome. You will always have fresh socks and come home to a clean house. You can thank the Italian culture I was raised in. But do be prepared for the Italian “emblems” (deliberate nonverbal behavior with precise meanings that are known to most members of a culture) that will on occasion sneak out. It may be a lip bite with the hand gesture under the chin or a simple flick of the “evil eye” hand gesture. Either way your lovely Scandinavian background will keep you questioning what exactly I’m implying, this is my ethnocentrism kicking in J.  

Ciao! 

"The Old Wagon" Family Dynamic

The Old Wagon

Ah yes… family vacations in the old ‘woody’ station wagon. Always a brilliant idea, right? In this episode Phil and Claire decided to take out the old station wagon, pack up the kids, and head off on one last adventure before they sell it. Of course, things go haywire. Their youngest son starts to feel sick in the back seat while the oldest repetitively steps on the seatbelt chocking Phil and as the wagon rapidly falls apart, the back door fails to open as they all try to get out before the youngest tosses his cookies. Once out of the car, it begins to roll down a hill as Phil’s attempts to save it fail. This brings up several concepts involving what other than communication!

When the family starts their long walk home, the kids are trailing behind all laughing and joking about what happened. While they are mocking and more or less insulting their parents for their failed attempt at family bonding, they are actually doing just that, bonding.  Bonding is a relational development that people show and make gestures to show their relationship exists. As the kids mock and talk among themselves Claire and Phil walk arm in arm almost enjoying the banter from heir children. Why? This is a co-culture where they are a subgroup in a larger one. The family dynamic although it isn’t always perfect, these mishaps are actually ways of decoding the prepubescent attitudes and the qualms that form between the children. Claire and Phil being a central source for gentle harassment is a central topic that allows the kids to join together.

This kind of family bonding is not far from my family. My dad seems to be the poster child for this type of harassment. In my family, we bond by harassing each other. Being too politically correct would mean we are not comfortable with you enough to harass you. Sounds strange right? Well it’s true. It’s our own little co-culture in which we have an “I” “you” communication style. Let me break this down. I am able to harass my brother. You are not. In our family it is a sign of affection because we are all aware of the support and implied message behind the gentle teasing. Even though this style of communication seems contradictory.

So what it comes down to is this – harassment = love. At least in this household. 

"Boys Night" Identity

Identity… We all have one yet they all vary and range from one end of the spectrum to another. How we manage our identity is another concept that we may be unaware of. Identity management varies by situation and from person to person. In the episode “Boys Night” Jay (the dad) is making attempts at avoiding joining his wife for a play and decided to go meet with his son, Mitchell along with his son in law, Cam and their other outwardly gay friends. It is apparent that this unexpected showing of his father at the establishment that they were at makes Mitchell uncomfortable. He doesn’t want his dad to be ‘put off’ by the flamboyancy, taking place at the table. It becomes noticeable the change in Mitchell’s demeanor from outwardly talkative about his love for certain female singers and show tunes to detouring conversations that seem to ensue any “gay” connotations delivered by his friends. This monitoring that Mitchell is doing is an example of identity management. The reason for the change in his mannerisms and conversation style is because of his approval seeking from his father. Identity management is a way of creating a desired impression on those of whom you wish to gain approval from.

Think back to a job interview you had, a meeting with a significant others parents, or impressing your already meticulous boss. How did you present yourself? Not only does identity monitoring relate to professional relationships but intimate relationships as well. After we are established in relationships, we simply do not try as hard to make these impressions as well.

So why would Mitchell care considering it is his father? Well, Mitchell is a high self-monitor. This means that he is able to pay attention to their own behavior in regards to others reactions. Mitchell has been able to adjust his way of communicating based off of the way he sees his father reacting to particular ways in which he speaks or interacts. Mitchell sees that his dad tends to wince at outwardly flamboyant communication styles so he changes it for what could be considered stereotypical straight mannerisms. Often times high self monitors will rate themselves lower on a satisfaction scale with intimate relationships due to the fact that they tend to hide what they really think and feel in favor of acceptance from others.

In my personal life, my Mom always called me a chameleon. Having a concise and clear understanding of what being a high self-monitor is allowed me to understand what she had been telling me my entire life. I tend to gauge the situation, temperature of the room, the audience I am addressing, and the way they conduct themselves and from there adjust my communication style to coincide more with theirs.  Now, lets be clear. Yeah… I might be a bit of what would be understood as a “people pleaser” but that in no way makes me a pushover. I do have very strong convictions that are not going to change, no matter how much I want someone else’s approval. In a job search will I know and adhere to the culture of the company? You ‘betcha! Call me a “butt kiss”? Sure! Who cares, I got the job didn’t I? J

Any way – lets get into a little quiz… Want to know where you fall on the scale? Take this little quiz curtsey of “Looking Out Looking In” by Ronald B. Adler.

“Self-Monitoring Inventory” (True or False)

1)    I find it hard to imitate the behavior of other people.  T F

2)    I guess I put on a show to impress or entertain people.  T F

3)    I would probably make a good actor. T F

4)    I sometimes appear to others to be experiencing deeper emotions than I actually am. T F

5)    In a group of people, I am rarely the center of attention. T F

6)    In different situations with different people, I often act like very different persons. T F

7)    I can argue only for ideas I already believe in. T F

8)    In order to get along and be likes, I tend to be what people expect me to be rather than anything else. T F

9)    I may deceive people by being friendly when I really dislike them. T F

10)  I’m not always the person I appear to be. T F

Now, give yourself a point if you answered F for one or all of questions 1,5,7. Then give yourself a point for the remaining questions that you marked T for.

A score of 7 or above puts you at a high self-monitor.

Being self aware of how you communicate among others is a very useful tool. It not only allows for excellent self reflection but also makes it easier to make adjustments for future benefit. 

And so it begins...

So as if I didn't have enough going on in my insane life between school and work, and whatever attempts at a social life I have made, I decided I would add 'blogger' to my resume. This is a compilation of my passion for writing while force feeding others my ideas (because anyone who knows me is well aware that I talk far too much and this is now an extension of that), as well as an endeavour to further my education by applying my knowledge of communications with my daily world and yes, even television. So although I would like to say this is strictly for pleasure, it indeed is being graded as I have made this my independent study project.  My main focus will be around that of a show you may know called 'Modern Family', a sitcom focused around what other than a modern day family highlighting the disfunction and miscommunication that takes place in within the family dynamic. I find myself particularly  drawn to the rhetoric and gender based communication styles used. The mix of ethnicities, genders, sexual orientations, and the overly emphasized use of a 'blended family' will be a primary focus to delve into these 'vocab' words in a hopefully interesting manor. Beware - this blog will often not be focused around just that show. People, parties, friends, and my family, are all subject to being analyzed and included in this, like it or not! Of course I won't use your name (stop stressing) but you may find you are now "Joe Blow" or "That one Guy"... maybe even "Doctor Douche" it's all how you play your cards. So here's to saying screw therapists, airing your dirty laundry via inappropriate forums, and shoving your overly opinionated thoughts down others throats. (Of course all with the intent of gaining readers by embarrassing those close to me while earning an A... Hint Hint!) Cheers! Hope you enjoy!